Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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