her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Randomize
