he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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