I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
