New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
