He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Randomize
