need another drink. this is the easiest way
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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