I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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