i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I'm gonna fight the coyote
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
