Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
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