why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
