Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
