Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Randomize