i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I want her autograph on my taint
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize