3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
you win again, gameday.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
