Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
