just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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