You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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