My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Randomize
