Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Randomize
