from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Randomize
