how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
