If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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