I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
