Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
