Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
