Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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