I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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