I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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