I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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