Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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