I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
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