I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
