Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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