Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I just threw up on my dentist
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
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