He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
