ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
