ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
