So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Randomize
