tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
