You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
