Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
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