I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
