I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
