hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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