Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
