She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
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