i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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