Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize