OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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