Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Randomize