Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize