Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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