my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
