I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
