Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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